2020 Voter’s Guide for Pissed off Babies
Youwa vote, youwa vwoice. Straight baby talk on issues that matter.
Brought to you by the League of Baby Voters: by Babies, for Babies- “Its 2020- it's about time babies start getting a ba, ga and da in edgewise.”
Who are we?
We’re a bunch of puerile political geeks united by our inconsequential love affair with politics and our tireless passion for lending a voice to babies everywhere. The league formed in 1989 after the release of Look Who’s Talking with the goal of carrying baby Mikey’s proverbial teething ring of infantile politics through to generations of babies to come. Our lives may consist of feeding, changing, blankies and binkeys. But as babies, we also realize that we have an obligation to speak up and build a progressive governing majority in order to enable our fellow tots and tykes to thrive, find support and make sure they get changed on time. It’s how we remind sellout grownups that we’re paying attention and frankly, we’re sick and tired of being woken up in our car seats.
Candidates tackle this year’s biggest issues:
Kissing Babies:
We’re all familiar with baby kissing- politician’s practice of seizing us from the arms of our beloved caretakers and planting big fat awkward kisses on our foreheads in order to garner the public support of non-babies. We know we’re unbearably cute but we didn’t ask to be taken to rallies in the first place. They interfere with nap time and there aren’t enough Melissa & Doug toys in the world to keep us entertained for the entirety of a (most likely incoherent) campaign speech.
Donald Trump on babies in general:
“Babies are weak. In fact, they’re the worst people in the history of the country.”
Joe Biden on kissing babies:
“I’m not sorry for anything I’ve ever done.”
Our Babies Say:
Get him away from me. Both of them.
Cloth Vs. Disposable
It’s the true Great Debate. Cotton, terry cloth or flannel? Huggies, Pampers or Luvs? One means fewer diaper rashes, but more leakage. The other? Convenient but not a solid green way to handle our liquid green. Believe it or not though, this year’s candidates may have more experience in this matter than you may think.
Trump on Diapers:
“Very fine options on both sides. But the concept of cloth diapers? Created by and for the Chinese in order to make America’s dumps non-competitive. I’m more of a one and done kinda guy.”
Joe Biden on Diaper (rash):
“I ate Corn pop fro yo baby food when I was in ‘Nam. In fact, I still do, even without Lactaid. Left a mean diaper rash. Still does.”
Our Babies Say:
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. We vote “waaaaaah” on all counts.
How to make your vote count: non-verbally
Non-verbal communication is key to getting what you want, when you want it. Remember to cry at the most inopportune times, even after all of your needs have been attended to and hope that the non-babies in your life can decipher your every want and desire.
Hang Out with the League!
Wanna get involved? Talk about the issues? Or just have a drink of formula with us? Have your Mom call our Mom and see if you can get a playdate set up.
Coming soon: Voting guide for babies with criminal history/ babies with felonies